


Dean's Journal - Part 1

by Jinx (jinx37kat)



Series: Dean's Journal [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-01-14
Updated: 2006-01-14
Packaged: 2018-09-16 16:50:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,200
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9280562
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jinx37kat/pseuds/Jinx
Summary: Sam finds Dean's journal and learns a few things along the way.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I had this grand illusion to write Dean's journal throughout the series. While it fizzled out pretty quickly, I'm kinda glad I didn't go ahead with it. I mean, c'mon! Twelves years and counting?! There's no way! :)

Sam had gone back out to the car to get their bags as Dean made a bee-line for the shower the second the motel door opened. 

The demon they had been chasing managed to drag Dean through the mud… literally, and Sam’s big brother couldn’t wait to hit the showers.

So, while Dean tried to get clean, Sam grabbed their gear from the trunk. Dean’s pack was partially open and what looked like a journal peeked out from the top of the bag. 

Sam frowned. He could have sworn that their dad’s journal was on the table in the motel room. That’s where he’d put it before coming out to the car. 

Sam reached for the book and realized immediately that it wasn’t their dad’s… it was Dean’s. Sam arched an eyebrow. He didn’t know that Dean was keeping a journal separate from their father’s.

Leaning on the opened back of the car, Sam flipped the book open to find pages of journal entries. A few pages had incantations and drawings as well as wards and spells, much like their father’s journal; but a majority of the pages were filled with diary entries starting back to the day that Sam had left.

 

_**July 29, 2001** – Sammy left today. He and dad had a huge blow out about college. Sam wanted to go. Dad didn’t want him to. Sam won. He always wins. He wins cuz he does what he wants regardless of what dad (or I) have to say._

_I didn’t want him to go. But I know that’s what he wants. And if this will make Sammy happy, then… But why does it feel like my heart is being ripped out?_

 

Sam gasped softly. He didn’t realize that Dean was so hurt by his leaving. He knew that Dean was upset, but never in his wildest dreams did he think that Dean was so affected by his leaving.

There was obviously a lot about his brother that he didn’t know.

He closed the book and looked up, staring at that darkened parking lot. He knew that he shouldn’t read any further. This was obviously something that Dean wanted kept to himself. Especially if it included Dean’s feelings – something that Dean never liked talking about at the best of times.

But a part of Sam really wanted to know what else Dean had written. Dean rarely talked about his feelings. But it was clear that that was what he’d used his journal for if the multitudes of pages were any indication.

Heaving a deep breath and knowing he was flirting with disaster if Dean ever caught him, Sam flipped the journal open again and continued reading:

 

_**October 17, 2001** – I went to Stanford today. Just wanted to see how Sammy was doing. I miss him so much. It felt like a part of me was torn in half when he left, but… it’s what he wanted._

_He didn’t seem all that thrilled to see me. Thought that dad sent me to spy on him. Wouldn’t believe that *I* was the one who wanted to check on him. Dad didn’t even know I was here. He still didn’t believe me. When did this distance happen between us?_

_He was nice enough to take me on a quick tour of the campus before practically shoving me back in the car and telling me to get lost._

_I probably won’t go back. It’s obvious he doesn’t want me around._

_What did I do wrong?_

 

Sam blinked several times before realizing that he was blinking back tears. He remembered that day. He was so sure that their dad had sent Dean to check on him. Sam pushed Dean towards the car telling him to tell their dad that he was fine and to leave him alone. He didn’t even wait to see the taillights disappear before storming back into his dorm, beyond pissed at his dad for sending Dean to do what he should have done himself.

Apparently Sam had been wrong. Dean hadn’t come to spy on him for dad. He’d just wanted to check up on his little brother.

Because he’d missed him.

Sam was an ass.

He looked down at the journal in his hands and opened it again.

Most of the entries after that were of his dealings with the things he and their dad had fought: demons, shifters, werewolves, etc.

But then Sam froze at an entry that was written very sloppily.

 

_**April 9, 2002** – I was never really good at writing left handed. Stupid fucking poltergeists anyway. Looks like I’ll be the happy resident of the Deschutes County hospital for the next ten (?!) days. _

_Stupid fucking dad. Thought I could do this on my own. Oh, yeah, sure! And I did… just got a nice gash on my right side, a dislocated right shoulder and three broken ribs outta the whole deal. And, AND!!! To top it all off, I can’t get a hold of dad. I could be here dying and he probably wouldn’t give a damn. I’m getting tired of these lone cases._

_I wish Sammy were here. I really miss him._

_But I guess I’m the only one now. Tried calling him last night to let him know what happened._

_He hung up on me._

_Guess the near-death of a brother isn’t very important in the collegiate world._

_Oh well._

 

Sam sighed heavily and blinked back more tears.

Yet another day he actually remembered. He remembered that Dean sounded tired, but Sam was so pissed off that Dean had called in the middle of a cramming session that he’d yelled at his brother and hung up the phone. Well, slammed down the phone and then took it off the hook just in case Dean decided to try to call back.

Sam dropped Dean’s journal on top of his bag, which was still in the trunk, and rubbed the heels of his hand into his eyes.

Dean could have died and Sam would never have known. All because he just _had_ to study. All because he had wanted his “normal” life; and a life that did **not** include Dean or his dad.

Sam had been so hell-bent on leading his “normal life” that he’d tossed aside the one thing, the one _person_ , who had meant more to him than anything _normal_ could ever mean.

And Dean could have died that night. Sam could have hung up on the last chance he would have had with Dean.

Sam shook his head.

It didn’t happen that way, so he should feel grateful. He should, but he didn’t. Hindsight was twenty/twenty; and all the ‘should haves’ and ‘could haves’ wouldn’t have meant a thing if he had lost his brother.

“Sammy,” a voice hissed from the doorway of their room.

Sam fumbled with the journal and peeked his head over the back of the opened trunk.

“Yeah?”

Dean was hiding behind the door, only his head visible to the outside world.

“Bag?” Dean asked, eyebrow raised to his hairline.

“Yeah,” Sam acknowledged. He shoved the journal back into Dean’s bag, zipping it closed. Snagging his own bag, Sam slammed the trunk closed and made his way back inside.


End file.
